Pets.com commercial...with the dog puppet? I miss you! Come back to me!

So, it's 1:30 pm on Tuesday, and I have gotten all of my work done already. Since I'm bored with Craigslist, I've decided to put the TV on in my boss's office. I don't typically watch anything on it, really--I just like the background noise. I always keep the TV on when I'm home by myself. For some stupid reason, it makes me feel safer. I also figure that if a would-be robber/rapist/murderer sees one of the many episodes of "Cops" where an officer tasers a suspect and he collapses to the ground in a trembling heap, he'll think twice.

That, and I'm crazy. This means that I'm not afraid to stand in the window he's peeping into with an 18-inch seraded-blade knife in my hand and an extremely insane look on my face. That's enough to scare off any robber/rapist/murderer.

But I digress. Anyway, the tele's on in my boss's office and I'm listening to commercials. Awful commercials. I hate 95% of all commercials. But who doesn't, right? But there are some that make me downright angry. They make me want to dropkick the boob tube.

So, because I'm bored, I'm going to list my top ten most annoying commercials. Most, if not all of these are currently on the air.

10.) Jewlery Exchange in Sudbury. "Diamonds direct!" Reminds me of a shitty flea market where some Chinese guy is trying to convince you pieces of broken glass are valuable gems. No GOOD 1 ct. diamond solitaire will cost you $599. It just won't. Period. That's not even me being materialistic here. It's me telling you not to buy your girlfriend an engagement ring from the Jewelry Exchange for $599. It's crap. Trust me. I'm doing you a favor here, boys.

9.) Burger King. I have nightmares about that enormous, plastic-headed King handing me a Whopper while I'm on the shitter or something. Fuck off, your heiness. Your Whopper is probably why I'm on the shitter in the first place.

8.) Target. Sweet Jesus. What's the point of your commercial again? You have random people jumping around on trampolines wearing stupid-looking, poorly-matched outfits, drinking Kool-Aid with camping gear strewn around them, all to stupid U2 music. Everything's red and white. And then the camera focuses on that poor dog who looks as if he wants to drink a bottle of antifreeze. I sympathize.

7.) Ford. Those Taylor Hicks commercials. Oh my God. I own a Ford product. "PossiBILities!" The only "possibility" is that your Ford product will break down every goddamned month for one mechanical reason or another. Fuck you, Ford. I'd rather gauge my eyes out with flaming toothpicks to become legally blind so that I'd never have to drive again than buy another Ford product. In case I haven't said it before: Fuck you, Ford. Kiss my soon-to-be-driving-a-Toyota ass.

6.) Bernie and Phyl. People living in New England have been tortured by this pair of shitheads for years. I loathe them. They may have wonderful furniture, I don't know. But because of their commercials, I wouldn't take the finest piece of furniture in that place for FREE. Your accents are annoying. You're both not exactly pleasant-looking. No one knows for sure which one is Bernie and which one is Phyl. You've got NOTHING going for you except that you probably have a fair amount of bank for owning numerous furniture stores. SO WHY APPEAR IN COMMERCIALS? I knowI'm not Cindy Crawford, ergo you don't see me auditioning for commercials! I KNOW people don't want to see my ugly mug every time they turn on the television! Hire someone less annoying, better-looking and with a gender-specific name to represent your company. Maybe Cindy Crawford would do it for you. You've got the bank--pay the girl.

5.) Bob's Discount furniture. Holy horse shit. These ads are atrocities of nature. Bob, you suck so much ass I hear a whistling sound every time you come on. "Do ya think you'll finda soft, leatha-like-butta sofa fa only $599? I DOUBT it!" And just WHO is that blonde woman anyway? Wife? Daughter? Mistress? Whoever she is, tell her to shut the hell up. Your furniture sucks, your salespeople are pushy and I don't care if you offer me coffee and donuts and candy when I walk into your store--you still suck. Fuck you. Both. I may buy your Bob-o-pedic, though.

4.) Nutrisystem. I hate that bitch. For one thing, you're NOT a size 2/4 (depending on the commercial and the girl). You're bigger than I am and I'm a size 6. So cut the crap. Secondly, you both look like well made-up drag queens. Seriously. You both have penises. It's cool--just don't go lying about it. Thirdly, Nutrisystem's food looks horrible. Seriously. The pizza looks like it came out of the easy-bake oven I had when I was 7. And they say you can lose weight for a mere $10 a day. So, let me get this straight--and correct me if my math is wrong. $10 a day is $70 a week. $70 a week is $280 a month, right? So, I have to pay YOU $280 a month to feed me easy-bake oven, mediocre, microwavable crap-"food?" Shove it up your ass.

3.) Foxwoods. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a fan of midgets. Now, before you call me a "little-people hater," I want to tell you that I just can't help it. It's an irrational fear, I know. They make me uncomfortable. I apologize profusely. So, you can imagine that the Foxwoods commercials make me anxious...their little midget/leprechaun voices singing about "the wonder of it all." I'm nervously sweating just thinking about them. I'd have to be awfully drunk and winning an awfully lot of dough to find those "creatures" wondrous.

2.) Dunkin' Donuts. This commercial was annoying the first time I saw it. But because of the number of times it is on the air, I find it increasingly annoying. You know the one I'm talking about: "KARATE!" I hate that woman. Just shut up and drive your lil brats to all their lessons. And Dunkin'--your smoothies suck. Seriously. They taste like fruit-flavored Elmer's glue. But it's amazing I convinced myself to try one in the first place despite your stupid-ass commercials. Ditch the smoothies, stick with coffee. You can barely do THAT right.

And the most annoying commercial?

1.) Head-On: "Head-on: apply directly to the forehead. Head-on: apply directly to the forehead. Head on: apply directly to the forehead." IS THERE REALLY A NEED TO REPEAT IT THREE TIMES IN A FUCKING ROW? I HEARD YOU, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! I UNFORTUNATELY HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!
How about this? SHOTGUN: APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.