Fuck you, Whole Foods.

Yeah, you read it, bitches. You money-grubbing, organic-loving, jerk-offs.

You steal my money and then you give me grass calzones.

I ordered a spinach calzone from Whole Foods some time ago. Anyone who knows what a calzone looks like knows that you can't see inside the calzone to take a glance at what you're ordering. You're taking a risk everytime you order a new calzone.

But I like spinach. A lot. I know, I'm a weird kid. What can I say!?

So I took the risk. I figured--cheese and spinach melted inside bread. How can they mess that up?

Well, I sit down to lunch and slice through my calzone to find it is filled with fucking grass clippings. No, really. I swear. This was NOT spinach by any stretch of the imagination. Somebody got paid to collect their freshly-mowed lawn clippings and give them to Whole Foods to put in their fucking calzones.

What the FUCK. I am HUNGRY. This is not cool.

And then, I dig ever further to find a white blob of some curdled shit. Right in the center. This shit isn't even distributed evenly. It is ricotta and feta cheese. I was expecting mozzerella and they screwed me.

So, today, I went back there (yeah, I'm retarded, but I always keep going back) and ordered an eggplant parm calzone. I had had one of these before and it was actually quite tasty. So Whole Foods gets some more of my money and I get back and cut into my calzone only to find that there is yet ANOTHER BLOB OF CURDLED SHIT in it! There was no curdled shit in the LAST eggplant parm calzone I ordered because if there was, I would not have ordered it again. I am not THIS stupid, despite popular opinion.

They screwed with me yet again. I hate them. And I HATE their new pizzas. They suck. They charge you about ten bucks for one 2x2 inch square of dough and cheese. They used to have the best personal pan pizzas EVER for $6 a piece but then one day, the head dicks at Whole Foods said to each other, "Hey--this'll be funny! Let's find yet another way to screw people over! Let's take away their ONLY bright light in their ever-so-crappy workdays! Let's steal their pizzas! Muahahaha!"

Fuck you, Whole Foods.

See you guys tomorrow. Noon.