Automatic Toilets can kiss my ass.

Toilets are great. Really. Nothing better than taking a much-needed pee or poop and having something take it away never to be seen again.

One of the better inventions of the 16th century. Imagine a world just filled with Port-a-potties? Man, that would stink. Literally and figuratively.

But those toilets that flush automatically? They can go fuck themselves.

Who the fuck said to himself/herself, "I am too lazy to flush my own toilet when I'm done taking a crap. Ergo, I will invent a robotic toilet that senses when my crap is in there, waiting to be whisked away into oblivion! Eureka!"

My ass does NOT need a bath every time I pee. My ass is pretty clean, really. You know--for an ass. I shower twice a day. And each time I shower, I am sure to wash my ass.

Now, fortunately, I generally do not crap in public bathrooms. I just don't like it. It's unhealthy, but 'd rather hold it. Whatever. They're my bowel movements and I'll do with them what I want to.

But even if I DO have to poop, if I go into a restroom and find an automatic potty, I will do everything humanly possible to keep it in there until I can find a normal toilet. Because there's nothing scarier than sitting on the throne, going number two, and having it flush without your authorization--getting poop water all over your bum.

That's the thing--they flush without warning. There's no beep that would at least warn you a few seconds in advance to stand up for a minute while your bodily fluids go down. You can just be sitting there, doing your thing, and WHISH!

What. The. Fuck.

And ya know, it would be a little different if I was the only one who used that potty. But let's be real--how many poop germs are in that thing? MILLIONS. BILLIONS perhaps. Disgusting. Your own shit doesn't affect you as much as other peoples' so it if was your own designated shitter, it wouldn't be the end of the world. But--ew.

Now, I realize this is one of my more icky postings, but I don't care--these toilets NEED to stop being produced. They are a hazard to the American public. I mean, we ALL go to the bathroom, so this affects each and every one of us. Boycott any bathrooms with automatic toilets.

And if you must shit, just go on the floor of the bathroom and leave a note as to why you're doing it. I guarantee you--things will change.

Hey--same principle as the Boston Tea Party! Well, kinda...