Grumpiness.

I've been in somewhat of a yucky mood for the past several days. I don't know what it is--the weather's been beautiful, I haven't gotten into any fights with friends or family, and work has been going as good as can be expected. I don't think I've been taking it out on people, as I've been trying not to do so by joking around and maintaining a smile. But it's just been a feeling of overall melancholy.

I think that overall, I've just been frustrated with the way my life has been going in general, and have been focusing too much on the negatives of it. I know, I know...I've been doing that for a while now, but it's increased gradually over the past couple of months.

First, there's my job. It sucks. Most people would relish doing nothing all day, but it's honestly very tedious. I begged for things to do around here for so long, and since change just plain doesn't happen in the government arena, my boss will just tell me that policy dictates to leave things alone. So, frustrated, I go back to my desk and play solitaire or surf the net.

Before you tell me to look for another job, believe me when I say that I have searched for months only to find nothing very interesting in my field. I love my general area of study--communications/public relations--but the problem with these jobs is that they are creative and people tend to enjoy them so much that they have no desire to leave, so positions rarely open up.

As for my love life, or lack thereof, I've had a few dates in the past six months or so, but none of them have panned out, really. Plenty of nice guys, plenty of crazies and just plain nobody suitable for me. Also, I don't want children, so it's very hard finding someone you'd be compatable with and attracted to who also doesn't have the desire to have kids. Actually, it's next to impossible. That, and I keep focusing too much on the two absolutely horrendous relationships I've had within the past three years, and I'm hesitant to go down the relationship-road at all. I just don't think I can go through all the bullshit again, you know? But at the same time, I don't want to take the why-don't-I-just-be-a-whore-and-get-laid route, because at age 24, I'm kind of past that stage.

I'm not desperate for a man--and I'm not saying that in some uber-feminist type of way. I can take care of myself. I'm sure I can live on my own and survive just fine. I can cook, fix things around the house, install appliances, mow the lawn, pay bills; I rarely need someone to do things for me. But I'd just like someone to share life with. That's all. Someone who isn't going to use me and who will actually make an effort once in a while to make me feel like I mean something to him. If I sound bitter, it's because I've never really had that before and I'm just coming to realize it now.

I'm happy for all my friends who have found significant others to care about and who care about them. But part of me is a little jealous, too. Not of THEM in particular, but because I want that, too. And so, every so often it gets to me.

So, in the meantime, I'll continue my volunteer work at the animal shelter because that at least brings a smile on my face. And I look forward to actually getting BEYOND the training portion of my part-time job to actually work with the elderly. I'm working on my music and my writing a lot more recently, and am saving up as much money as I can to buy my own little condo within the next year or two.

I know my life isn't all that bad and that I should be more content. I have a job. I don't have terminal cancer (to my knowledge, anyway). I have friends and family that care about me. I try my best to do things to help out a few good causes. I shouldn't worry as much as I do; I should appreciate what I DO have more.

But I guess, every so often, I think about the grand scheme of things...how can I make any sort of difference in this world? And as much as I try, I simply can't figure it out.