Doing my best.

So, I'm doing my best to get out of the funk I've been in for months, and it ain't working.

I was feeling quite under the weather last night, New Year's Eve, and after spending much of the day/evening with my friend, Joe, I just decided that if I was going to barf, I should do it at home instead of at his place. Not very classy, you know--barfing all over someone's newly cleaned bathroom.

If you're wondering, I did not have a drop to drink--just some lunch that I'm guessing simply didn't agree with me.

So anyway, I'm in my lazy boy at around midnight, flipping through the television channels, when I catch the last few seconds of the Dick Clark New Year's Eve countdown. I'm downing Tums like you read about and sitting in my dim, candlelit bedroom, when all of a sudden, I notice a few tears streaming down my face. I don't know where the hell they came from, but I did notice that I had this feeling of emptiness inside of me.

No, I hadn't just yacked. I mean, I had that feeling of fear and loathing for the upcoming year instead of what most people feel--hopefulness. I don't know why. I am usually happy and cheerful on New Year's Eve, but last night, cheeriness just wasn't an option.

And, for the life of me, I don't know why. Really. If someone could honestly sit down with me and explain it to me, at least I would know. But I haven't the foggiest.

My life is so much better than most, and I know that. That's why I am so ashamed at feeling how I feel. I know there are people dealing with critical illnesses, recent deaths of close loved ones, divorces--pain and suffering I am priveleged to have not yet known.

And I am ashamed that they seem to be dealing with life better than I am now.

I have attempted to fill my life with volunteer work, socialization, faith--positive things. Yet, I still come up with a restless, void feeling. A feeling like I will never be able to compete with the challenges of this world; a feeling like I will never be able to accept my ever-so-many shortfalls and failures; a feeling like this rut of mine will last forever and I will eventually shut out so many awesome people and things from my life.

People tell me to focus on the positive, and I'm doing my best. Really. I'm trying to laugh more and be less negative. I'm trying not to let the stupid shit get to me. I'm trying to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. But I still come up short, and I am clueless as to how to prevent that. I am clueless as to how to feel more hopeful, more positive, and less...well, hollow.

So, for those wondering where I've been and why we dont hang as much as we used to, keep in mind that I'm working on it. I'm working on becoming a better Karen. I'm doing my best.