Sense and sensibility.

I feel as if nothing is left here for me anymore.

Shit, that sounded enormously depressing. I didn't mean that. Allow me to rephrase.

I feel as if nothing is left for me in this AREA anymore. I have thought about moving and living elsewhere off and on for several months, but something keeps me from doing it. Fear perhaps?

This sounds weird, but I feel empty here lately. Almost as if I'm bored all the time. I mean, most of my friends are here and I try to spend as much time with them as possible, but it seems as if most of them are so busy over the past year or two with their lives that we don't spend time together like we used to. It's gotten to the point where I see people every few months that I used to see every week--and they only live a short distance away. I'm not angry about this at all...and it's not meant to be some weird guilt trip or anything like that. Not one bit. I just feel as if maybe they've moved on with their lives and now it's time for me to do that, too.

But something keeps me here. I love New England (most of the time). I know the area well. I know people here. I think I'm afraid to just go someplace random and start a new life amongst surroundings and people I do not know. New England is safe, you see. It's familiar. And I'm obviously very afraid of the unfamiliar.

I wish so badly that I could be one of those brave souls who doesn't worry about everyday things as much as I do. My father has instilled in me how important it is to buy a place (near him, of course) instead of renting (by renting, "you're throwing your money away!" says he). He's taught me how important it is to find a good job with good health benefits and to start a 401k plan right away and save every last penny. He's taught me to drive a car into the ground instead of throwing away money on something I don't really need. He's taught me how to be sensible.

But more and more of me is telling myself to do something completely lacking in sense and just move to London to work as a waitress and live in some shitty flat with 7 roommates.

I'm a coward, though...and won't do it. As much as it seems like there's little left for me here, I won't leave. And I'm fucking ashamed of myself for it.

And I'm a little fucking mad at my Dad for not promoting an adventuresome spirit.