Laurie's expectations VS. Karen's expectations

My friend Laurie has been going through some tough times right now. She's having some "appreciation" issues. As in, people don't fucking appreciate all she does for them. She fucking rocks and should be appreciated. I know I do.

So, as a way to deal with the various people in her life who don't appreciate her, she came up with a (sarcastic) list of ten things she will learn to expect from the vast majority of people she is ever to come across (strangers, family and friends alike). She has given me full permission to publish this:

1) I'll expect everyone to spit on me and when that doesn't happen...I'll be pleasantly surprised.

2) I won't expect anyone to say thank you - EVER...and when I do get a thank you...tape record it and play it over & over all the time!

3) I won't expect anyone to think of anyone but themselves...and when offered a chewed piece of gum...I will accept it proudly and be grateful.

4) I won't expect the common courtesy that strangers give eachother from my family members...if I hear from them before I die...I can die in peace and be grateful.

5) I will expect that upon entering and exiting a door - that said door will #1 - not be held for me, and #2 even better - hit me in the face.

6) And...on the same lines of the above...if I do hold a door for someone....they will not "take" the door, but however proceed to walk in with their whole family and not say thank you. Oh God...that's my pleasure. Let me know when you are leaving and I'll get the door for you again....no problem at all....and p.s. - it would be really nice if you and your whole family could spit on me as you are all leaving.

7) I will expect that when I ask someone to come along on vacation, that it is automatically assumed that I am paying for their trip and expenses while away.....and never to speak a word of it again. Here's my check book...help yourself.

8) I will expect to be run off the road on a daily basis......hey as long as the other person is ok...I'm good.

9) I will work until my fingers are bloody stumps....oh no....paycheck? OH pish...you keep it...I should be paying you to work here!

10) I will expect that marriage is one sided. I am the woman and should be sub-serviant. How dare I even consider having a life outside of the marriage. I am a selfish biotch with bad thoughts of going shopping, going to the gym or god forbid out for a drink without the permission or accompiant of my "better" half. Perhaps a labotomy would cure that.

I, too, have been going through some...how shall we say...interesting times. However, the most important difference between Laurie and yours truly is that Laurie still gives a shit as to how people treat her (to some extent anyway) and I do not. The reason? I have simply gone crazy. I actually went crazy many moons ago and I think people just choose to let it slide out of fear.

So, as a result, I have come up with my own little list. They involve ways by which I actually SHOW people how I don't give a fuck anymore:

1.) If someone were to actually have the balls to spit on me, they should be prepared to face the consequences. I hail from New Hampshire. Why should that matter, you ask? Well, it means that I can very easily acquire possession of a firearms license to then purchase a decent rifle to fire at those very big testicles that person must indeed have.

2.) I expect everyone to say 'thank you' when I go out of my way for them. If they do not, I will actually go out of MY way to embarass them. I do this by virtually SCREAMING, "You are EVER so welcome, your Royal Highness! Is there anything ELSE I can do for you? Shine your shoes? Wax your car? Be your personal fucking PROSTITUTE? ANYTHING at all? OK then!" This really makes the ungrateful individual extremely uncomfortable, and that is the goal!

3.) I expect people, once in a while, to do things for the greater "good" of mankind. Yeah, I just laughed at that notion, too, but I do. When people think solely of themselves, I immediately go out of my way to remind them of how terrible a human being they are, and how I just spoke with Jesus and He fully intends upon punishing them and their children and their children's children forever and ever, Amen. I then pretend to cast a voodoo spell on them, so they become so incredibly frightened (after all, evil spirits AND Jesus are BOTH against them at this point), they donate their entire estate to the Salvation Army.

4.) I expect common courtesy from family members much of the time. When I don't get it, I fake a major illness in order to guilt them into expressing common courtesy, and even perhaps love, on me. Try it--it's fun.

5.) If someone does not hold a door for me as common courtesy requires, I make it a point to RUN to the next door and hold it open for them just until they get to the point where I can release it and whack them in the face. Makes me laugh every time. For days.

6.) When I hold a door open for someone and they refuse to thank me for the courtesy I have extended, I play a little role-playing game! I imitate the person's voice and say something along the lines of, "Thank you so kindly, miss! You truly are a wonderful addition to our rude society!" to which I respond in MY voice, "You are truly welcome, sir! Here is my business card! If I can ever hold a door open for you again, please do not hesitate to call!" This is a fun little game indeed and causes you to look crazier than anyone could possibly imagine.

7.) When I ever-so-graciously agree to "spot" someone money for a vacation or for any reason, and the individual refuses to pay me back in a reasonable amount of time, I simply ever-so-calmly wait until he/she is in the most DIRE of straights financially. I'm talking almost-homeless, here. At that point, I sternly tell the person I need the money he/she owes me. Now. You'd think the sheer look of panic on the person's face when he/she realizes he doesn't have the money in his/her account would be payment enough, but it isn't. Hehe.

8.) I expect to be treated with courtesy on the roads at all times. I drive a lot; not ticking me off is the least people can do. When someone, on the rare occasion, decides to fuck with me and/or run me off of the road, I aggressively follow them with a Hannibal Lecter-look on my face, wait for a stop light, exit my vehicle with The Club in hand and allow them the chance to apologize. You know why? Because I'm a fucking LADY. Most of these individuals apologize. When they do not, I bash in their windshields and as many car windows I can until the light turns green.

9.) I will work. Hard. I don't mind that. But I expect to be rewarded for my hard work on occasion. A nice pat on the back will do; a sizable raise/bonus will do better. When my boss screws me over for my annual raise, for no reason other than she is a douchebag and doesn't like other women, I get just a little upset and do everything within my power to make her look as bad as possible so that she subsequently gets a demotion, a bigger workload, and is no longer my boss anymore. My new boss now gets me nice raises. He's a nice man. And a smart man.

10.) I will expect, considering the fact that I am insane and should likely be on massive quantities of medication, that no man will want me. If perchance, a man DOES decide he wants me (I have pretty sweet boobs, after all), he will expect for me to drink with the girls on Friday and/or Saturday nights (at least), go shopping a few times a month (at least) and oh, I dunno...not OWN me and my every move. I choose not to live in Afganistan for a reason. He can then expect for me not to cheat on him, to cook (only because I like to cook), to clean house (only because I have OCD and like to clean things) and to have sex with him on a regular basis (because I enjoy sex). I think these are reasonable accommodations for any man.

That is all. Enjoy your day.

P.S. To all those who are prepared to bash me, keep in mind that I am, for the most part, kidding. I think.