Sooner or later.
I am depressed yet again.
I don't know what it is, other than my work situation is really bothering me and despite having friends and loved ones all around me, I feel lonely. I know that sounds crazy. I'm just a very social person and I've been somewhat anti-social lately, so I suppose I'm bringing the loneliness upon myself.
I'm sure I'll get over it. And there are times where I'm perfectly fine and dandy. I still manage to laugh, just not as often as before.
I just don't feel right. Not myself. And I've felt not completely myself off-and-on for months now. Like, I don't have the passion for things that I used to. I used to debate politics and religion and philosophy to the hilt with friends all the time--now, I just don't care. I used to go out every weekend, all weekend and just hang out with friends, watch people, eat, have a beer, catch a crappy jazz performance. Now, even if I had the money to spend, I'd much rather stay in and read or write or even watch mindless television. Music used to be such a gigantic part of my life; now I barely play the piano anymore and only sing when I have to.
I think it's just that my life isn't going as planned. I know all of you will laugh at that; I just did, too. What a ridiculous fucking concept. Someone's life going as they had actually PLANNED?!?!
But listen--it's not as if I didn't expect to hit some bumps in the road. I did. But I admittedly thought I'd be in a much different place by now. I had hoped I would be in a job I at least somewhat enjoyed. I'm not, and I'm stupidly worried about losing this one that I can't stand, solely because I need a steady and reliable paycheck every two weeks. I thought I'd be married to the man of my dreams, but that concept fell apart at least twice when the supposed "men of my dreams" let me down. I thought I'd have this awesome condo of my own and while I'm worknig on it, I'm 24 and still live with my parents (not that there's anything wrong with them or with that, I just had different ideas). I have a fair amount of money saved up, but not what I had hoped for. I do some of the extra-curricular things that used to make me happy and still do to some extent, but not like they used to.
And I'm always fucking tired. What the fuck?! There isn't any amount of sleep in the world right now that could cause me to drag my sorry ass out of bed and not feel exhausted.
Before you say it--I know things could be worse. I know people have it worse than I do and they don't complain. And I feel guilty for bitching here right now, knowing so many people have it worse, but on the other hand, I don't give a fuck...I just NEEDED to get it out on virtual paper. I needed to vent.But I'll deal. I always do. Sooner or later, I'll be back to my old self...at least that's what I'm telling myself.
posted by Karen the Great @ 10:10 AM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
A few thoughts come to mind.
First, you’re looking for life in all the wrong places. I really don’t mean to preach, but your life isn’t fulfilling because you’re seeking to fulfill it with dreams and expectations. They haven’t panned out, so now you see yourself as some sort of loser and you’re clearly depressed. Self-will rarely pans out.
I think if you pinned your hope on God and a relationship with Jesus Christ your perspective on life and goals… would change and your life would find some new meaning and purpose that never goes away. If I may make a suggestion: While I do NOT believe in denominationalism, I have admired Calvary Chapels (in general) for some time and been to a few. Why not, for four Sundays, attend the nearest Calvary Chapel and see if something “clicks” for you. What do you have to lose?
As for lousy jazz, I LOVE lousy jazz! My MP3 has a ton of jazz on it- some of it good, but much of it ‘iffy’. I like night club singers and old fashioned jazz (get rid of that ‘fusion’ garbage). Nothing like Frank or Tony Bennett to cheer me up sometimes.
Also, from a pragmatic sense, look closely at what you watch on TV. I never watch “shows” as they’re basically a group of beautiful actors having more of a life than us chickens could ever have. And that’s also depressing. I prefer sports, old classic movies and some politics once in a while. But that’s just me.
Let us all know how it continues to go. I’m a blog surfer and this is one of my 5 or 6 favorite blogs. Despite your, ahem, language, you’re a very sensitive observer and chronicler of your life and I find that fascinating. Maybe it’s because I’ve always liked reading biographies- I don’t really know.
I'm sure you're partially right for sure regarding your observations. I mean, it's pretty obvious now that I'm looknig for life in all the wrong places. However, what's discouraging is that you see people who have the things you wish you could have and they are so seemingly happy and content. I'm not typically a jealous person, and I'm most certainly not one of those people who are jealous in a mean way. I'd just like to partake in the wealth a little and every so often, it bothers me.
As for the "God-thing," I am a Catholic and do quite a bit within my church with the pastoral council and the music ministry especially. God has always been a part of my life, but recently, I've felt more distanced from Him. I know that's likely my choice and something I need to change...but perhaps I'm not ready to change it yet?!?! I don't know.
Jazz is awesome. Period. I like all of it. The improvisation amazes me; despite being a musician for years upon years upon years, I was never able to master the art of improvisation, so I admire those artists that are good at it. I love the classics especially, though--the Duke, Fitzgerald, Coltraine, Powell and Thelonius Monk...
Glad you enjoy my blog. I'll work hard to keep it satisfactory! :)
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