Babies.

OK, I just need to understand. Why the hell is everybody getting pregnant nowadays? Let me rephrase. I know people have been getting pregnant for millions of years, but it has truly gone out of control as of recent. Everytime I turn around, somebody new is pregnant. Whether it's a celebrity or a friend, it is obvious that we are approaching a second baby boom.

I guess I don't get the appeal in being pregnant. Frankly, the concept terrifies me. I am all set with being a host to a parasite. Sounds harsh, but think about it: that's what pregnant women are. What is GOOD about it, aside from (arguably) the "adorable" little alien-looking creature that pops out and doesn't REALLY get cute until it's about 9 months old. Let's face it: babies right out of the oven are incredibly ugly. I'm not even saying that to be mean--just stating a fact. Yes, ALL of them are. No exceptions. Anyone who tells you that your 1 week old kid is cute is lying. Really. It's okay though--there's an decent chance that provided you and your babymakin' pal aren't hideous creatures, the kid will turn out all right until the awkward age of 11 or so.

I am guessing that I am just not that very motherly. While women my age long for their own spawn, I wish for an English bulldog that won't talk back to me and will let me sleep in on Saturdays. And the thing is, kids take to me like white on fucking rice. I don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm the only person out there who doesn't make fucking "goo goo gaa gaa" sounds at them and talks to them like they are normal human beings. I like kids in small doses, but as soon as the crying and barfing starts, I run out the door like the devil himself were after me.

And the WORST part is the giving birth part. Holy shit. Are you KIDDING me? I have seen a few birth videos. I think I'd rather endure a face transplant with a rusty grapefruit spoon. That shit ain't RIGHT. I know that my nether-region is designed to stretch like that, but it sure as hell doesn't mean I WANT it to. I try to YouTube a birth video once a year or so--best birth control out there. It reminds me the whole year to pop that little pill everyday.

So, we'll see if I ever get motherly. Only time will tell. Knowing my luck, I'll probably get pregnant 7 or 8 times. All I know is, all those fuckers will be by c-section.