Canker sores.

I like to think that I don't usually complain about physical "ailments." Well, maybe a little--but I'm surely not a baby about them.

But holy shit. I am in agony. And this is the avenue by which I am going to bitch about it, so yeah-I'm being a baby now.

You see, I have THREE enormous craters in my mouth. These craters are canker sores, I believe, but they are not normal-sized canker sores. They are huge and scary-looking.

And they fuckin' hurt.

I could deal with one crater in my mouth. It sucks, but at least I can eat by chewing on the opposite side of my mouth. I'm used to canker sores, you see. I get them quite frequently.

But this is NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

There IS no opposite side of my mouth here. They're on BOTH sides.

I've tried all the stupid home remedies that people "absolutely SWEAR by." Yeah, thanks but no thanks. Did NO good. In fact, I believe it angered the craters because they are now bigger.

I mean, what the fuck? I just want to eat. Please, Jesus--make the cankers go away. I'm tired of milkshakes.

Thanks, Mom.

I volunteer about once a week at an animal shelter in my area. I'm not saying this to toot my own proverbial horn, trust me. I have a point.

I LOVE working at the shelter and if I had more time, I'd go much more often. It isn't really WORK to me because I enjoy it so much. Playing with the animals is so much fun for me--it's actually relaxing.

The kitties there typically love me. There is one cat there named Belle who doesn't let anyone else go near her. People literally have to wear those big-bird handling gloves just to get her litter box to clean it. However, this cat has taken such a liking to me that when she sees me, I must sit down and she jumps up on my lap and immediately starts purring and leaning her body into mine.

I always thought I had a way with animals.

That is, until my Mom adopted her cat.

I don't think I've ever come across a cat who has hated me so. If I walk into the room and he happens to be there, he'll either run away or look at me in disgust. Really. This cat has looks that say, "I would slit your throat in your sleep if you didn't shut your door every night." If I attempt to pet him, he runs.

The only time he is nice to me and rubs up against my legs is if I walk into the kitchen. This is because he has the delusional idea that if someone walks into the kitchen, it means that he is about to be fed. Obviously, this is not always so. Therefore, if I pull out anything other than a can of cat food from the fridge, he gives me a scary look and runs away.

It is as if I am his personal servant whom he happens to treat like shit.

Here's the kicker: he LOVES other people. Most animals get nervous around my father because he's a pretty damn big dude, but this cat is all over him. He sleeps right next to my mother every night and licks her face.

I don't know what I did to this cat to get him to loathe me, but it is obvious that he does. Very much so. Unless I have some Fancy Feast in my hand. Then, I'm his best friend.

So, I just wanted to publicly thank my mother for picking out such a wonderful feline. Really. Out of the craploads of other cats out there who actually adore me, you chose one of the very, very few (perhaps the ONLY one) who wants me to die a horrible, painful death.

I appreciate it.

I forgive you.

So, I realized that a week or so went by and I never once thought of you.

We spent many months together and then you decided to break my heart, so I had to go. And yet, I still thought of you. Maybe I still loved you--I don't know. If I did love you, I sure as hell don't know why.

I told my friends that I was a fool for ever loving you to begin with. They knew we weren't right together. It took me several months to realize that, too. Perhaps I just wanted someone to love me after that hellish relationship I had had before you. How desperate of me, right?

And despite my telling my friends what I fool I was for loving you, I still did. And I still thought of you. I thought of you all the time.

I was willing to give up so much for you. I was willing to change so many elements of my life so that you could be happy and so that you could persue your dreams. I threw out any hope of being able to continue with my own aspirations, with my own future. I was understanding of your many shortcomings; when you asked me to help you overcome some of them/aspects of them, I was always there for you. But none of that mattered. You wanted more. You always wanted more without being willing to sacrifice anything. I now realize that that was, or still is, just your nature.

I knew you still loved her while we were together. I always had that inkling. Long after we broke up, I heard that you still weren't over her. This confirmed that despite your telling me all those months how much you loved me, you loved only her the entire time. I now realize that telling the truth just wasn't/still isn't in you.

I still loved you after we parted ways, yet I hated you, too. I absolutely loathed you for such a very long time.

But I now realize, after an entire week+ of not thinking of you at all, how much hating you was hurting me.

And now, I suddenly no longer hate you. Yep--just like that.

During our relationship, you had no capability of telling me the truth, of being willing to sacrifice anything for me, of being able to love me and only me. Our so-called relationship was all lies.

I was disgusted with myself for how I was willing to do so much for you and get nothing in return. I hated myself for it and I hated you for so long.

But now--now...I have forgiven myself and I forgive you.

I have moved on with my life. I have done so much for ME so that I can be healthier. And I have learned so much. I have learned, most importantly, that I should no longer love boys, but men. Men--true MEN, tell the truth about the important things in life. When a true man says he loves a girl, he loves only her. True men are willing to sacrifice things for the women they love. They are not selfish, not inconsiderate. And I actually feel sorry for you because you have yet to understand this.

So, without any sharp sarcasm, I wish you luck. I hope someday you realize what it takes to be a real man. I am no longer angry with you or with myself for ever loving you. I will now view the stage of my life that I spent with you as merely a silly error of judgement and I will chuckle at what a fool I was.

I forgive you. And I hope that someday, when you realize what a fool you were for letting go of a girl who treated you like gold and loved you with all of her heart, you can forgive yourself.